Open Wounds

"Let me photograph you in this light

In case it is the last time

That we might be exactly like we were

Before we realized

We were scared of getting old

It made us restless"

Adele, Photograph.

And indeed getting old made us restless.

Years ago,

I found someone who could finally love me back. Why was I so obsessed with this? The feeling of being loved back by someone got me drunk in love. With that, I just went away with the feeling and all the terrible trembling nights, I just went on. I have all the praises on me - because he loved me, the best feeling! I need nobody since then, all the validation I need was from the person who loved me back.

The lover was my place to go when the house felt like hell to me. We found each other when we lost something at our home. Therefore we brought all the feelings and love was like the light to our problems. Let's just get drunk in love, was all that in our minds. We would love everything to just last forever.

We thought we could always learn from each other, and learn about new things together - thinking that we were always on the same page. Well none of us knew that we carried different backgrounds and raised differently, and had different ways to solve problems. What was self regulation? Why was it so painfully burning in my heart when he stopped praising my art?

We grew together - we navigate with our discomfort and our desires as partners. The desire to always be around, validated, loved back, and all the things we perhaps had wounds on. Yes, we carried our own wounds around in a relationship.

Imagine growing up with a lot of discomforts and lack of self-regulation together, we found many moments were worth arguing - and we couldn't control our thoughts, our extreme negative thoughts. I thought it was me, but hey both of us were carrying things we didn't know. The discomfort was all I know when he did not seem to love me back, praise me less, and not listen to me anymore. It was not just discomfort - it was a lot of feeling.

I never understand why people walk away from a relationship. It felt nice to me to have someone to talk to, to love me back, even though there were standards. Who cares, it was comfortable to have someone to hug you. Until then I realize I was walking with no soul, as I did not know that all the resentment I have, the inconsistency of love I've been receiving, and with my little knowledge of self-regulation, I went into a complete shutdown.

I was panicking and prayed, what have God taken away from me? 

That love I used to feel, was gone?

I couldn't remember anything but I went on shutdown for a year, leaving no room for that person back. It takes roughly 7 years to process what really happened. My body went into a complete shutdown towards that person, because my body refused to get hurt. The complicated part was the definition that was familiar for my body to be defined as "being hurt" was completely different from what I understand now. 

My body, my senses - protected me from being hurt. What really happened was I walked too long with the feeling of unworthiness in me. My body noticed that but I went on, I was drunk in love and I just wanted someone to love me back. I did not care whatever that person was doing to me, but I wanted to be loved back, it felt comfortable to me to have someone.

I craved for that because I was lonely for so long too. I live in a house with a lot of family members who cared just a little, and I couldn't connect with anybody from the family. That was when I realize why I cling to that relationship for too long - it was me who was lonely, until my body stopped me and as if it was saying:

"Enough of this, let's get into a real journey of your real worth."

Since then I did not turn wise or anything, I went to listen to myself very carefully. Growing up indeed made me restless because all things that I have learned needed to be unlearned. It takes 7 years to really put this out in this place. It takes years to come and look at my open wounds and care for them. It takes years to finally see my worth and set boundaries.

It takes courage to finally process this.

Many times when that day 7 years ago came across my mind, I immediately distract it with other things. Now I have the courage to process it and it finally came out. So if someone that I meant read this, well I guess it was just us growing up. I believe none of us meant to hurt each other. None of us would really understand what deep love was, and it was just our unmet childhood desires that turns to wounds, hoping that we could heal each other. I was thankful that I did not met anyone other than you, yes you.

Years ago, and today, I am still learning about myself, and trying to accept all parts of me. I do not rush to fix myself, but getting to know what causes many relationship to fail was like pebbles to navigate me to my way home, to really dig deeper on what I need to learn and unlearn.

"It was just like a movie

It was just like a song

My God, this reminds me

Of when we were young"

-C, 5/2022

When nothing moves your bones.

 Have you ever felt like you’re shattered from day to day?

Have you ever felt weird about your existence?

Have you ever felt like whatever you do feels like a weakness to you?

I think we all ever felt that way. 

Get help, catch that appointment, talk it out!

And get enough sleep too. Even if nothing moves your bones, at least you can rest your eyes for a while. 

And try to keep those voices low in your head. 

Last but not least,

Let’s forgive those days when you’re on your low, forgive what you’ve done when you’re on the low season,

Forgive all the relationships that did not work out,

Forgive all the reactions you gave to your friends - who knew nothing about your condition,

Forgive all the misleading opinions about you - from the very first day when you were born. Heavy stuff..

Let’s go, let’s move your bones. I miss you and your confidence. You have always been great! More to come, dear beautiful

-

A letter to my self - to remind me to be kind to myself, and not mentioning how I’ve been hard to myself. I am trying to love again, after running miles and not seeing myself again. 

Love

C

10 minutes to a lifetime

 I wish someone would pay attention to you when you were 5, about how proud you were with your drawings. 

I wish someone asked you earlier on whether you were struggling with math, and help you to get through it. You were only looking at numbers and screamed for help, but all they saw was you’re doing okay at school..

I wish they knew how it felt to be invisible among other beautiful girls in your teenage years.. it was okay, and it was hormones that popped in your skin. And that you were always pretty and neat among the other teenage girl. 

I hope someone told you how to dress and how beautiful you were in whatever you’re wearing. Really.. it wasn’t about the fashion choice, you were always beautiful. Even when someone said your knee should not be exposed because it looked ugly? Well you were and always been beautiful from head to toe.

You wore that body insecurity.. until you learnt to live with it peacefully in your own way. Such a strong girl. 

And then you realized that you wanted validation, you thought having dreams and goals were great because when you achieve them, you would get the validation you’ve always wanted. 

I saw you. Working hardly for it, from night to night. From mockings, insecurities, but you still aimed for it. You aimed for it like a shooting star. 

I remember you went home

I remember you walked inside 

I remember it was a heartbroken day

I remember you did not achieve your goal at all

It was not even close. 

Someone should’ve hugged you that day. You were crushed, someone should mend your broken pieces. But those around you were not able to - as they were unfamiliar in mending broken pieces

You went heartbroken

But still trying to forgive those who did not understand how to care for you 

Until you know it was you alone, who should be taking care of your pain. 

Since no one was telling you anything, here’s some word for you that day:

You are a very smart, brave girl, with all the qualities. Nobody got it like you. Your steps, your moves, it was all a bold one even you intimidate your surrounding with your confidence. It is very bold and everyone inside the room can feel it. 

You were never fail - you are closer to see who you are as a whole - not to impress, not needing any validation. But to come as you are, as your true self with your curiousity that shapes your natural intelligence. 

I have always loved you, for who you are. 

—

A letter for a little girl who needed it. My days has not been the easiest as I am now a mother of two, and it has always came up to my mind on why I can’t deal with failures accordingly, other than blaming myself?

Writing this letter is all I need. I wish I could hug her. 

Love,

C

Raising a warm, and lovely being.

Hard days are there to cherish - and there will be easier days after. 

Purpose

I thought I lost it when I have you. I was wrong - well some need to realize a few things, I was not totally wrong - partly wrong.

I was given a new purpose to this life by having you, without losing what I already have. It is just got bigger, heavier, and better. Every single day.

I love you,
and thank you for making me learn new things every day.


Love,
Mom.

Little Big Steps in Motherhood

"The baby's here!" the doctor said to me. It was Sunday morning when a little baby came out from me.

It was just the two of us for nearly a year, and one morning had changed the quiet home to a sweet scented corners - a baby is joining the family!

The long contractions and the sleepless nights really made me stronger than I thought I could ever be. And let me tell you - I was TERRIFIED when I listen to stories about giving birth. However when it happened to me, I did not feel like myself - the chicken who is afraid of almost anything painful. I believe God has given me the strength to take the baby out because it was his destiny to be on earth with all of us.

Me? Well.. Someone above trusted me to carry this little baby for 9 months and care for him later. I never thought I have all the strength needed.

In the early days home, I lost all my smiles and peace when this little one arrived, but the gift of being able to keep up with the baby was all provided by the Almighty.

We both learned - a lot. All I have in my mind was - we were once this little, and now I have to take care a little human, who look a lot like me but without the communication ability. We learn how each cues are different - the cries when he is hungry, tired, and bored. This moment really built up our instinct towards him, which could benefit us later in life as his parents.

At times when I was exhausted and worried about his milestone.. I almost forgot that he will grow into the person he wants to be. He will continuously learn about new things and he will be the one who decide how he will learn about things. And that has come to me realizing that I have given birth to an individual human being - and him being in my womb for 9 months teaches me that he will not be in the womb forever, and so in my arms too.

Being a mother teaches me about unconditional love.. and being a mother is not easy. I respect every women who have given birth and no matter how they teach their children, it is still an amazing job that no one else could ever have. Many mothers out there are working - staying at home - making a home business - whatever they are doing, I do believe that they all have the kind heart and sincerity in raising their children. No matter how selfish you were in your youth, having a little one will teach you that life, is not just about you.

And that's perfectly fine.

-C, 2018

Today, a year ago.

Today, one year ago.

We ended the journey to being together. 

All the efforts and tears in convincing each other's feelings paid in a tear of joy and happiness. 

But today, we have conquered a year of being together. Where obstacles are showing up to join our lives, and God made us brave enough to conquer them. We conquered the fears and the doubts of living together, for they have made us stronger and mature. 

And about love, it has taught us to love unconditionally - with all the changes that we are facing for the past one year. We were able to lovingly accept and understand each other, thus we bring strength to each other. 

I only pray to the Almighty - for strength in me in supporting you, believing you, and loving you unconditionally.

 C, 2018.

The Journey of the Trimesters

First of all, I am new to this bump - thing.. no matter how many articles and books I read, I always feel like I have it all differently..

From a very slow and full of rest first trimester, not-so-productive but super hungry second trimester, and a fatigue-nesting period in the third trimester. From all the trimesters, I have the mood and the chance (well I ALWAYS have the chance but not the mood) to write something about this pregnancy thing.

Carrying this little bundle around makes my head full of thoughts.. from emotional thoughts to crazy wild business ideas and plans about my career. I am not sure why, but it always brings me to the thought of working / career. Actually, this pregnancy makes my brain to think about lots of productive things. (but not doing it..)

Anyway! I summed up the journey below. I have experienced a roller coaster journey and I will only picked out the most interesting thing to write.

1st Trimester 
No morning sickness at all, just tired.. very.. tired.. and emotional at random hours

Surprise! I am pregnant! had to check around 4 times before really going to the Obgyn. My husband and I really enjoyed those moment of waiting for the result on those sticks.. hahaha. And well, when it really happened, I have no clue about pregnancy at all and decided to resign from my current job to learn more about the pregnancy (how my body will react, rest, etc). I didn't want to risk it by stay working or lower my performance just for that.. It's better for me to just rest and observe, so that when the time comes again, I know what to do.

After deciding to resign from my current job In the first trimester, I was thinking to find a work from home opportunity. I was thinking to do that because I have all the database in my brain and my notes, I have developed a strategy to do a better sales, and I was more goal oriented and very much open to new practices at that time. Therefore I was super excited to do the job when I got one.

However, it lasted only for one and a half month before this pregnancy mood strikes in.

I don't know how many people have the same mood swing like I do, but I have it like most of the time.. I felt so weak against my own mood, as I always try to combat mood swings throughout my life before. But this one.. there's something that is demanding me to surrender to the mood swings. Oh well you deserve it pumpkin!

After performing sales calls and emails for around 3 months, I decided to withdraw as I didn't want to disappoint anyone with my performance. I think it's time for me to rest and find something lighter to do. Something has always been inside me - I am quite ambitious to reach for more, even though the job did not have any sales target whatsoever. Again, I think it could be a danger for my own self if I force it too much.

2nd Trimester 
No more sobbing in the middle of the night.. and welcoming all kinds of food! 

The second trimester is the happy trimester to me. I can eat! I gained weight! I am one of those expectant mothers who have a super slow weight gain. Just gained a few kilos in the second trimester as I was able to eat many foods than I could before. It was just uncomfortable to eat with sickness being around..

And in this trimester, I went out quite often because I have the energy! So happy that I can get out from the house (this means more than anything to me) and this has elevated my mood better than anything else.

I set aside the thought of work and career at this stage but my head kept on making plans on what to do after the baby arrives.. when to go back to work, and many other. This one is a hard one as it always pops out randomly and left me overthinking afterwards. Thanks to my husband... who.. is always.. not always.. ready to listen to this overthinking.

And oh! I have the urge to cook! In the first trimester cooking was a horrible thing to do. Some of my friends who know me, or my husband, know how much I love cooking. But during this pregnancy, I finally gained the spirit to be back in the kitchen in the middle of the second trimester.

And the pumpkin always kicks when I cook.. I wonder if he'd like to help out with peeling the veggies or something..

This trimester makes me realise how much I need to meet people in order to socialize and bring my mood back again to do things. These are some activities that I did during the second trimester, from photography to joining a workshop, and out to look for cats. Happy months indeed!

 

Cute cat really brings my mood.. and excites my husband's too!!

3rd Trimester 

30 min walk is the longest I could do! Kicks are getting sharper 

Getting in my third trimester where all I could think about.. is baby's clothes.. will it be enough? will the baby crib be okay? will the babytafel be useful? Will I be able to keep up with things?

I think it's the common thoughts that everyone has, but to be really honest this trimester is the most relaxing that I have. Despite all the overthinking, I have set my mind to be relax. I have done this far, and I will be meeting my pumpkin very soon! 

All I wanted was to have enough rest until the delivery day. Why? I do not want to look fussy in front of my baby, and I want to make sure he received the soft kisses from me instead of my tired face and yelling all the time. I want to enjoy as many quality times with my pumpkin as possible. I just can't wait to meet him - this is my thought every single day now!

Behind all this, there is my husband who is continuously helping me with the chores and able to tolerate the mess in the house when I was too tired to do the dishes and things.. It's been a funny ride between us in this short, short time of us finally being together under one roof, and then pumpkin is showing up!

I do not want to worry that much. That is why I took him to have the conversation (even though he looked like 45% listening to me) but his actions are what makes me feel secure at many times.

Oh well. I will let you know when my Pumpkin has safely arrived to the world! 

Hopefully he'll have a good time just like his mother who enjoys carrying him for 9 months :)

Moods and Hormones

19th Week, February 2018.

What are you up to, lately?

I cook, make soaps, and watch my husband create things.
Things couldn't get any better at the moment!

-C, 11/2017

Ps. something will be announced very soon :)

Love

Credits to: Melina Anggraini

An Angel Went Home.

A strong, warm hearted lady just went home this month, two hours after her birthday ended. God loved her so much, He gave lots of strength and spirit to this lady.

Her kindness, her faith that better days will come, her selfless devotion, never went off my mind.

Her big faith was something that I loved. Even in her last days.

I wasted so much time of not being with you, though you always prayed for my destiny.

I love you, I really love you.

Have a safe trip home, beautiful. I wish I could be strong facing life without your warm heart.

And please, please be there on my special day. I know you'd love to be there.

Be there and hug me from above.



I love you.

August, Knocking at My Door.

I really don't know where to start.

Yes, that might be the first sentence that all of us said when we have to explain something big.

It's August, that time of the year again, where I'll be turning a year older. I just realized that there are so many differences between the years that I've been through. However not every year is different and not all of them is recognizable, but then I'll just call them 'the conscious years'.

I would start my conscious years from my late middle school year, which is when I was 15, I guess. I didn't have a happy middle school years, I must say. The environment, some people, are just not for me. I think this is my first conscious years because I began to learn and understand the things that I've learnt, which in this case was about people - young people.

In my life I have always been fascinated with human, how they think, react and initiate, really amaze me. During these first conscious years I began to learn how my friends think, react, and initiate some things. I began to learn some of the meaningless relationship and friendships, and how everything was just about the discoveries of ourselves, of what we would like to have, and what we don't want to have. It's very clearly that during these years I began to realize how things are black and white. It's between a yes or a no. But then, in the latest part of my first conscious year, I began to realize - people change just with no absolute reason. It hit me hard, I almost went crazy understanding these people. And we call these things: Drama.

I mean, how much do you want to have a drama with your loved ones?

I still haven't figured it all out up until now. However I kept on observing that word Drama and why is everyone using that word to explain the transitional changes in people which always includes emotional instability and weird emotional changes. Still, it fascinates me how people can initiate drama. In my personal assumption and I would love to go further on this someday on a research, did they really had fun doing the drama thing? Is there any relaxing effects in their brain when they did that? I really am curious. We're actually losing some time during the drama which can be used to do other interesting bonding-time, like hanging out together in the movies. Or maybe I didn't fit?

I'll assume that one. I failed to understand.

Then, it changes to my second conscious years. I moved away from that place and found a great and much more interesting experiences throughout my second conscious years. It was between 16-18. At this period I meet different kinds of people - it opened my eyes that things aren't black and white. It's even more colorful and you just can't distinguish what is bad or good for everyone. At this period I began to realize that things shouldn't be made black and white because there are so many different needs for so many kinds of people. However we are all controlled by the norms and values that will keep us on track. So the diversity is still under control. But I believe that those control were needed - we were vulnerable human being at those years, we might be so sure of what we do but actually we are as blinded as we could possibly be. I learned some theories about control - it is done to make the society to be in the right track. But going back to the right and wrong thing..

During that period, I too have no idea which is right or wrong, but precisely, it's more to the which ones are proper and not proper. I failed to go for Science class. I thought it wasn't at all proper to me because I plan to become a Doctor someday, and my parents knew it. All my brothers went to the Science class. I failed and cried crazily. I couldn't come to blame at that point, I was just really disappointed with myself, and how some of my closest human just didn't appreciate the struggles that I've done.

Then which one's proper? Because thinking to be a Doctor, then going to the Science class was the proper thing to do in my mind. Guess what? I really am grateful for whatever lessons that I have in my Social class during highschool. Even though some of my closest human humiliated me behind my back, but I really didn't get why would people focus on what's proper and what's not proper. In the end, the definition of these things really get into our minds. And in fact, everyone has a waaaay different definition about what's proper and what's not. And, who gets to determine those definitions?

Society. in my late second conscious years I began to learn how society was a crazy crowd. This crowd is crazy if we see it as a crazy crowd, wait.. The crowd looks crazy if we LOOK at it too much, pays too much attention to them, and listened too much. I didn't mean to write a rebellious article that we have to be free and do not listen to what people told you like those in the musical lyrics but seriously, this world is so big to even focus on what the society's been saying about you.

The society, they actually do nothing, but they automatically created a standard on how things should be. Or, how PEOPLE should be. I talked about norms and values that guides us to be human, right? But the society has a different definition when it comes to 'What kind of person should you be?'. Then it comes to my third conscious years, during my 20-22. This period was quite crazy ( I didn't want to tell that it's the craziest because I haven't reached other conscious years yet) but this is the period where I was almost losing all the confidence that I have.

This is the period when my ears are finally able to hear voices, even the unheard ones. Yes, comments and perceptions. I went to do some activities for almost half a year and it really made me question myself everyday "have I been good enough as a human?" I always feel far less qualified in doing many tasks, I was walking as a shadow under a very bright light which was considered to be the thing that everyone wants to see. The unheard voices then came out. Comparisons, when it came to the point where people finally compare you with someone, and how nobody was around to really tell you that you are worthy enough to walk as who you are.

I learned a lot during those periods. I almost went evil, and almost felt like I just want to disappear and watch the day ends. But then I learned that, some things are just placed there, and it's there to crush you, to get the diamonds inside you. You can either be crushed and produce diamonds, or nothing at all..

Even though I'm pretty sure I produced nothing that time...

..but as time goes by, I just understand that period when the comparisons come, it was the awful thing to feel, but it was actually a precious moment that nobody will ever get. I got compared! Awesome. Now I know how it feels to be compared, and now I learn what is the expectation of the society towards how a person should be. Then I kept this as my lesson. Like a journal in my head.

It always reminds me to be better and better and suddenly I got all the confidence I need. But then I learned about ego. Something that all of us never touch, see or smell.  Something that we never know how big that thing is, until it falls onto your head and made you broke down like a little girl again.

Ego was a surprise. Ego was there to drive me crazy - or to make me remember my worth.

When it grows too big, it can block the ways to get to the solution - or even to communicate. It blocks all the sunshine in yourself because you just love to give rays to people while it actually burned them. I did that. And, I feel really great to know how everyone really hated my big ego. This is how it feels to be hated! Now I know. Now I know this part is bad, and all other things are pretty much fine. Losing confidence again? No prob! I got things all figured out..

..even though I have to crawl back again to the start.

But after all these things that I learned, all the periods that I've been through, one of the most precious thing is patience. I didn't have plenty of them, I didn't save so much on that. I am very impatient and I want immediate result. But when I look at what happened today and who I am in the mirror:

I can actually stand on my own feet. I actually don't really.. not really.. needing the helps from the closest human to get back to my confidence. I can handle the society - I can change my perspective by listening, instead of hearing the unheard voices and got mad. I can understand that things take time to reveal its meaning. And in the end, the purpose of those closest humans will then be revealed to you, when the time is right..

Whether it's meaningful or not, there must be a purpose of some events in our lives.

cheesy.

Oh how I love human and its influences..

Sincerely,
-C

Your Warmth

I never knew being next to you was this comfortable.

-C, 2016

One Warm Night to a Stranger with a Lens.

Roman's Birthday.
March 13th.

C, 2016.

Home Cooked Meals' Magic

There is something about home cooked meals. I always believe in the magic of those dishes set up on the table, cooked by my Mom and enjoyed by everyone who was visiting my house. On regular days these meals also satisfy the household, or sometimes forgotten just because some might be too busy and spend dinner or lunch outside. However, there is still a magic in these meals prepared by Mom. 

I do love cooking, and I do, sometimes, think that my Mom's cooking is just okay, not so mouthwatering delicious, but it makes me sit down and eat, and enjoying every bite of it. I can taste that the beef might be dry, or it's too tough to bite, but I eat it anyway. And everyone in the house eat as well. There is just a magic in those meals. 

Me and Mom sometimes cook together in the kitchen. I watch her how she prepared food, how she was very critical in mixing all the spices and cooking it through, and how she used cooking method that was so impractical to me. I did lots of comments back then about how she cooks, but now I learn a lot from her, and she learns from me too. 

There was a time when both of us have huge arguments in the kitchen, on how we dress and how we think when we clean something. It's just a big mess for both of us, we never talked so much, none of us was listening to each other. Teenage years, I think it was very hard for every parents. Then things change when I started to learn how to cook. We shared our knowledges, we peeled garlic and shallots together up till late night, we laugh on how our sambal should taste, and many other laughter in our kitchen. 

The magic of the meals prepared by her in our kitchen is that it can bring people together, sit and eat. Without even talking about the food. We just converse. We have something to eat and then talk. The food always taste awesome to me, I always enjoy eating every bit of those meat, string bean, and other delicious things that she cooked. 

As a female now I realize that the duty of a mother is not just to cook. A mother gave birth to children. A mother takes care of the whole family. A mother is the person who is in the middle of everyone. A mother doesn't pick sides. A mother understands, and feel through your eyes and voices. She doesn't just cook great meals, there are lots of things that she sacrifices during those moment when she cooks, when she thinks about the family and how to keep things running. 

And the rest of the people in the house are the males. I have three brothers and one is no longer staying with us, he's a married man. I was once told by one of my brothers about how much my mother really needs attention. He told me that because I had a huge fight with mom. Today, I think nobody could ever understand how to give that attention to mom. Some people just find their happiness by themselves. Words and advices are given just because we can see it, but we can't feel it, actually. Those are the things that are right to do, but are not at all easy to do.

I can't say I understand it well on how it feels to be my mom. But to see the crowd on the dining table should define how happy she is.

The magic does exist. :)


-C, 2016

A Short Summer in Santorini

Santorini,

I was madly in love.

A Short Summer in Santorini
August, 2015.