August, Knocking at My Door.

I really don't know where to start.

Yes, that might be the first sentence that all of us said when we have to explain something big.

It's August, that time of the year again, where I'll be turning a year older. I just realized that there are so many differences between the years that I've been through. However not every year is different and not all of them is recognizable, but then I'll just call them 'the conscious years'.

I would start my conscious years from my late middle school year, which is when I was 15, I guess. I didn't have a happy middle school years, I must say. The environment, some people, are just not for me. I think this is my first conscious years because I began to learn and understand the things that I've learnt, which in this case was about people - young people.

In my life I have always been fascinated with human, how they think, react and initiate, really amaze me. During these first conscious years I began to learn how my friends think, react, and initiate some things. I began to learn some of the meaningless relationship and friendships, and how everything was just about the discoveries of ourselves, of what we would like to have, and what we don't want to have. It's very clearly that during these years I began to realize how things are black and white. It's between a yes or a no. But then, in the latest part of my first conscious year, I began to realize - people change just with no absolute reason. It hit me hard, I almost went crazy understanding these people. And we call these things: Drama.

I mean, how much do you want to have a drama with your loved ones?

I still haven't figured it all out up until now. However I kept on observing that word Drama and why is everyone using that word to explain the transitional changes in people which always includes emotional instability and weird emotional changes. Still, it fascinates me how people can initiate drama. In my personal assumption and I would love to go further on this someday on a research, did they really had fun doing the drama thing? Is there any relaxing effects in their brain when they did that? I really am curious. We're actually losing some time during the drama which can be used to do other interesting bonding-time, like hanging out together in the movies. Or maybe I didn't fit?

I'll assume that one. I failed to understand.

Then, it changes to my second conscious years. I moved away from that place and found a great and much more interesting experiences throughout my second conscious years. It was between 16-18. At this period I meet different kinds of people - it opened my eyes that things aren't black and white. It's even more colorful and you just can't distinguish what is bad or good for everyone. At this period I began to realize that things shouldn't be made black and white because there are so many different needs for so many kinds of people. However we are all controlled by the norms and values that will keep us on track. So the diversity is still under control. But I believe that those control were needed - we were vulnerable human being at those years, we might be so sure of what we do but actually we are as blinded as we could possibly be. I learned some theories about control - it is done to make the society to be in the right track. But going back to the right and wrong thing..

During that period, I too have no idea which is right or wrong, but precisely, it's more to the which ones are proper and not proper. I failed to go for Science class. I thought it wasn't at all proper to me because I plan to become a Doctor someday, and my parents knew it. All my brothers went to the Science class. I failed and cried crazily. I couldn't come to blame at that point, I was just really disappointed with myself, and how some of my closest human just didn't appreciate the struggles that I've done.

Then which one's proper? Because thinking to be a Doctor, then going to the Science class was the proper thing to do in my mind. Guess what? I really am grateful for whatever lessons that I have in my Social class during highschool. Even though some of my closest human humiliated me behind my back, but I really didn't get why would people focus on what's proper and what's not proper. In the end, the definition of these things really get into our minds. And in fact, everyone has a waaaay different definition about what's proper and what's not. And, who gets to determine those definitions?

Society. in my late second conscious years I began to learn how society was a crazy crowd. This crowd is crazy if we see it as a crazy crowd, wait.. The crowd looks crazy if we LOOK at it too much, pays too much attention to them, and listened too much. I didn't mean to write a rebellious article that we have to be free and do not listen to what people told you like those in the musical lyrics but seriously, this world is so big to even focus on what the society's been saying about you.

The society, they actually do nothing, but they automatically created a standard on how things should be. Or, how PEOPLE should be. I talked about norms and values that guides us to be human, right? But the society has a different definition when it comes to 'What kind of person should you be?'. Then it comes to my third conscious years, during my 20-22. This period was quite crazy ( I didn't want to tell that it's the craziest because I haven't reached other conscious years yet) but this is the period where I was almost losing all the confidence that I have.

This is the period when my ears are finally able to hear voices, even the unheard ones. Yes, comments and perceptions. I went to do some activities for almost half a year and it really made me question myself everyday "have I been good enough as a human?" I always feel far less qualified in doing many tasks, I was walking as a shadow under a very bright light which was considered to be the thing that everyone wants to see. The unheard voices then came out. Comparisons, when it came to the point where people finally compare you with someone, and how nobody was around to really tell you that you are worthy enough to walk as who you are.

I learned a lot during those periods. I almost went evil, and almost felt like I just want to disappear and watch the day ends. But then I learned that, some things are just placed there, and it's there to crush you, to get the diamonds inside you. You can either be crushed and produce diamonds, or nothing at all..

Even though I'm pretty sure I produced nothing that time...

..but as time goes by, I just understand that period when the comparisons come, it was the awful thing to feel, but it was actually a precious moment that nobody will ever get. I got compared! Awesome. Now I know how it feels to be compared, and now I learn what is the expectation of the society towards how a person should be. Then I kept this as my lesson. Like a journal in my head.

It always reminds me to be better and better and suddenly I got all the confidence I need. But then I learned about ego. Something that all of us never touch, see or smell.  Something that we never know how big that thing is, until it falls onto your head and made you broke down like a little girl again.

Ego was a surprise. Ego was there to drive me crazy - or to make me remember my worth.

When it grows too big, it can block the ways to get to the solution - or even to communicate. It blocks all the sunshine in yourself because you just love to give rays to people while it actually burned them. I did that. And, I feel really great to know how everyone really hated my big ego. This is how it feels to be hated! Now I know. Now I know this part is bad, and all other things are pretty much fine. Losing confidence again? No prob! I got things all figured out..

..even though I have to crawl back again to the start.

But after all these things that I learned, all the periods that I've been through, one of the most precious thing is patience. I didn't have plenty of them, I didn't save so much on that. I am very impatient and I want immediate result. But when I look at what happened today and who I am in the mirror:

I can actually stand on my own feet. I actually don't really.. not really.. needing the helps from the closest human to get back to my confidence. I can handle the society - I can change my perspective by listening, instead of hearing the unheard voices and got mad. I can understand that things take time to reveal its meaning. And in the end, the purpose of those closest humans will then be revealed to you, when the time is right..

Whether it's meaningful or not, there must be a purpose of some events in our lives.

cheesy.

Oh how I love human and its influences..

Sincerely,
-C

short twisted mind

spring

He hadn't even held the hand; he hadn't even knew yet how it feels to talk in the middle of the night starring each others' eyes; he hadn't even understood a thing when they got into trouble; he hadn't even got into trouble over a small thing

He hadn't even held the hand. Not a single touch.

So why would he left? There was no answer that led to that decision. There was no question thrown as well. Why would assumptions ruled each other?

If the feel of hugging each other is known, would he still leave, or would he take some time to realise what kind of feeling is that, that is dragging and slowly killing, and suddenly there is too much pain and doubt so he grab the bag and pack, pack for tomorrow, a tomorrow without an each other.

and when the day of the seeing each other has come, will he see each other or just hide the face, just to not feel that pain, or probably there was no pain at all, because there was nothing in the heart, nothing was felt, therefore nothing is hurt, when each other is seen.

but when the opportunity to feel the feeling of deep passion has come, will he choose to feel, or turn away because it never meant anything to him, because he was getting into trouble with a fool, a fool who is always too late to give the feel of passion, that the fool is always hiding and not sharing, that is probably why he left to see something not painful.

what if the fool has the opportunity to tell, to tell that the fool isn't a fool, but is a shy. but why would a fool be shy, when the shy knows, that there's nothing to be shy about, when the shy wants to tell.

or did the shy has also fear, that is the fear of pain, that is frightening and the shy believes that pain will never be recovered, because it's carved, carved on hearts, and it doesn't heal easily.

but the shy knows that it's late, and it's okay, that he doesn't turn back, and time won't be working backwards, just because it's better for the shy and he who is afraid of pain, maybe.

and maybe, if the shy is no longer a shy, words will flow, actions will follow, and he would turn around and listen, and if he would do an act, or a response, he would do things, that are not going to be painful if it does not last on each other, and it will, probably just a waving hand between each other, just to say goodbye, because it's not going to be painful, because nothing had ever happened. it ends just because it never happened.

the shy is no longer shy, the shy has spoken the truth, and he who feels pain does not feel any pain anymore.

Wie gefällt es dir hier?

Hi.

It's ten minutes to 22:00 and I have this mood to write. I just realised that it has been a month since I moved in to Germany. And surprisingly, I have changed a lot through these four weeks. I made a long  mind-map before I write this. I myself don't believe that I have experienced lots and lots of thing during these week. So let's start.

Soest.

Yes, I spend the whole February in this small city in the North Rhine Westphalia. I was quite surprised because this was a relatively small city compared to Jakarta back home. I heard complains from friends too saying that they were tired of this slow paced city. Soest doesn't have so much, it only have enough grocery stores to keep people who live there be fulfilled. It has also one huge university (but it's called Fachhochschule which is actually a bit different from the actual University). However, it's enough to fulfilled what the residents need. Lots of small house and most of the population was the aging population, which was why I would say it is a slow paced small city. The first week being in Soest, I always eat in this particular kebab shop (well there are not so many but this is the best) and the owner have always greeted us and talk with us, which was nice. It made me feel a bit at home. I kinda need that gesture because first of all I'm away from home. I know. Homesick is cheesy. But seriously, being greeted in a warm way will change the whole thing, you know? And back to that Kebab shop, I did make an appropriate farewell when I leave Soest.

In Soest, I was enrolled as the student of this Fachhochschule in Soest. I still couldn't believe that I got that chance to study in Germany. When I was just a high school student who had no idea where to go for Uni, I always want to study abroad. I was blown away by the idea of living away from home, having different attitudes and behaviours on studying and living. And.. there I was, sitting for a lecture even though just for a week. I have the best lecture of my life. My lecture was Mr. Polina. He gave the students from SGU lectures about Business. And there I was, sitting and jumping inside my head, realising that I am actually studying abroad with this super lecturer. I was so happy. His lectures were also fun, he always gave an insight just before the lecture start. I remember this one: Coconut and Peach. He showed the class this article here: http://www.culture-contact.com/fileadmin/files/coconut_und_peach_engl.pdf. However to make it short, here's my short explanation about it:

What he meant by Coconut was the German (I forgot, I think he meant some of the european), and the Peach was the American. My lecturer told a story about someone (who is apparently a russian) who got on a plane to somewhere in the US, sitting next to an american. Suddenly the american asks lots of things to the guy and he replied back, and the american starts to explain the details of his family. When they reached the destination and the russian was about to give his number to stay in touch, the american was gone. Got that idea of a peach? And it was different for the Coconut. Without having to be explained about the coconut by my lecturer, I experience the whole coconut thing throughout the first month.

The other thing about soest is that... it's a place for you to train your deutsch. Yes. Your D e u t s c h. I have learned Deutsch for 2 years and guess what now I'm speaking to the people and I was really freaked out. But, they really appreciate you when you speak their language. But well, I thought that was just for being nice.

And this slow paced city gives me the ability to travel throughout NRW cities. From the fancy Düsseldorf, unique Köln and memorable Bonn, I've stepped on those cities. I feel so grateful that I could do all of these things. And the greatest part was that I am able to plan my own trip. I used to be that kid who'd always linger around my parents. I never have a holiday with my friends. I never go to any sleepovers. I never spend new years eve until the next day with my friends. I am.. always cling to my parents. And now I plan things on my own. I make decisions on my own. I need to act fast when the train has passed by. And I really need to watch my spending and belongings. Have I completely grow?

I thought growing up would be easy just like that. Being in other cities as easy as a b c. But planning things, learning things, making mistakes, those are definitely not easy. Having a bad deutsch here? I would always try to listen better. I'd google things that they just said. I'd ask people how to read the train schedule. I'd face it. I used to be shy, I used to be naive, I used to judge people before I really talk to them. But you need strangers to grow. You need to learn from people. You can no longer judge strangers when you really need something. But isn't that cruel? I used to be cruel to strangers. But not anymore. The coconuts (I have to say, since they have no seed or boundaries when you ask help or tell a story) are so helpful they'd do anything to help you. See? They don't do things just for a short talk, or just for being nice too. They really want to help you. And it proofs me that I've always been wrong about strangers.

Now that I have moved to Rust, I feel more and more hospitality given by the locals here. I can't stop feeling grateful for every Haribo bears that they gave me. For every attention that they give when I ask or talk to them. Earlier I asked an Old lady who was going out with her granddaughter about the nearest Bus stop. I met her on the train and I asked her when I got off the train. She showed me the way and ignoring the fact that her granddaughter had called her with such loud voice. I'd rush to the bus stop and can't stop saying thank you. 'Danke schön.' I said.

I was standing there on the bus stop and there was a car stopping by, and the front window was opened. The old lady! 'Have you found the bus? Is it there?' and I can see her granddaughter with his wondering face sitting on the back seat. 'Yes, it will come soon. Thank you very much' I said.

I can't stop feeling blessed. I used to judge things all along, even before I go to Germany I've all these fears of people being racist and unfriendly. But if I cling to that fear, that's what I get. I just have to stop judging and start exploring, who they really are.

and to answer the question,

es gefällt mir sehr gut.

When All You Can Do is Wait

For that journey to start. And all you can do is to plan what you would do. But then all you can do is wait. And wait. And forget that you are waiting.

Between You And Someone Special.

To serve people, maybe that is what you are destined to be. And He will thank you a lot because of doing it. Maybe life is not about yourself, it could be about others. And He will explain later. Because you are equipped with one big heart that can give lots of love, and at the same time receive lots of love. Instead of receiving the bad, just fill the heart with the best part of life. Bad things doesn't belong in a big, generous heart. He will explain why.


Someone loves you, more than anyone else do.
He will show you.

Scattered Thoughts

To me, life is not a box of chocolate. You know what you're gonna get, you just want to get away from that feeling and want to keep the journey to be more exciting.

I just wish I could survive the months of never ending questions to myself - I need to leave bad thoughts behind.

Reminiscing my trips makes me feel better. Even though I do regret that I did not do a lot of things.. But why regretting? I could still embrace these moments.

 San Francisco from the hill.

 Union Square.

 San Antonio's amazing sunset. 

Californian Palm Trees in Los Angeles.

Sometimes we have big dreams, but knowing too much holds us back from them.
Life supposed to be a journey for everyone.

-C

Who, You?

Am I the only one who loves to be in an empty room?
Well, sometimes I just like being in an empty room. It gives me a break from people. It gives me a break from life. I don't avoid them, I just need to be with myself.

Have you ever feel so tired with your mind?
I do. Most of the time. That's because I'm a heavy thinker. It's all natural in me.
And that is not 100% comfortable. Maybe half.

Have you ever feel like you want to stop talking just for a day?
Well I do. That's when I want to listen to people who I have never talked to before.
That feels nice when you can just listen. Effortless. You just have to hold your words.

Have you ever feel like you judge too much?
Well I do. Most of the time. In this generation, in this society.
And right now while you're reading, you're judging.

-C

Ps: this song is lovely

Not So Ordinary

Hi guys! This is a rare moment when I write something on my blog. I want to share something that has been so exciting for the past few months. As you can see from my previous posts, I've helped some friends for look books, and I had a lot of fun. Most people may saw me that I was so frustrated doing the look book, editing and doing the photoshoot itself.

Well, over time, I learned how to get through it. Meeting new people as my client or model may be as hard as it could be in the past, as I used to be a timid. However by realizing what I was doing, I managed to overcome it by just getting to know my team. My models, and everyone. Other professional photographer may look at this as a simple and crucial thing, maybe they'll laugh at my writings about this. But this is a personal discovery, and I really like it.

House of PH's EPILOGUE Collection

I was helping Tewe Harsetiani of House Of PH to do a look book for her newest collection back in late 2013. I have to tell you; I thought I couldn't really get along with bunch of girls. Well, I only have few girl friends. But then I found out that they were so friendly and we're all friends till today. It's just amazing how my passion gets me to new friends. 

Duvera Class 3.0 Photoshoot 

This one! Look how nasty I am.. The sun was shining so bright but it didn't turn down my mood to do the shoot with these lovely people. I met Duvera team just once, and we were able to nail this photoshoot. I was once worried that this photoshoot will turn out bad since I was so exhausted while doing this photoshoot, but then they loved it. It feels fantastic to please your friends.

There is a reason why I'm so happy about this discovery. I used to be a timid person and I couldn't even ask the waiter or any shopkeeper.. I was so timid. I can be so confident just with my close friends and the rest? I couldn't.. I realized that my passion is not just between me and myself, but it's also about others. The world, the people, the society, I can't close my eyes or divert from that. I can't really hide, all I can do is to present myself in front of them confidently. I was so afraid of critics and I really don't want people to tell me what to do or what to photograph. But now, I realize that I can maximize my passion by pleasing others. I love helping people with the ability that I have. I really want to do my best on that.

Well this is just a thought and thank you for reading. Sorry for being random :-P

- C

ps: I have NO IDEA why blogger always turn my black and white photos into brown and white. :/

A Confession

"I'm not that good, I've tried and I think it didn't match me at all. I should find something that matches me. I think, it's not this one. It's something else. I should figure out soon. But I sense it. I think I know what I'm good at. I've been trying too hard and I think I waste my time. I should go now". 

  -c, 2014

Self-portraits.

2014