I really don't know where to start.
Yes, that might be the first sentence that all of us said when we have to explain something big.
It's August, that time of the year again, where I'll be turning a year older. I just realized that there are so many differences between the years that I've been through. However not every year is different and not all of them is recognizable, but then I'll just call them 'the conscious years'.
I would start my conscious years from my late middle school year, which is when I was 15, I guess. I didn't have a happy middle school years, I must say. The environment, some people, are just not for me. I think this is my first conscious years because I began to learn and understand the things that I've learnt, which in this case was about people - young people.
In my life I have always been fascinated with human, how they think, react and initiate, really amaze me. During these first conscious years I began to learn how my friends think, react, and initiate some things. I began to learn some of the meaningless relationship and friendships, and how everything was just about the discoveries of ourselves, of what we would like to have, and what we don't want to have. It's very clearly that during these years I began to realize how things are black and white. It's between a yes or a no. But then, in the latest part of my first conscious year, I began to realize - people change just with no absolute reason. It hit me hard, I almost went crazy understanding these people. And we call these things: Drama.
I mean, how much do you want to have a drama with your loved ones?
I still haven't figured it all out up until now. However I kept on observing that word Drama and why is everyone using that word to explain the transitional changes in people which always includes emotional instability and weird emotional changes. Still, it fascinates me how people can initiate drama. In my personal assumption and I would love to go further on this someday on a research, did they really had fun doing the drama thing? Is there any relaxing effects in their brain when they did that? I really am curious. We're actually losing some time during the drama which can be used to do other interesting bonding-time, like hanging out together in the movies. Or maybe I didn't fit?
I'll assume that one. I failed to understand.
Then, it changes to my second conscious years. I moved away from that place and found a great and much more interesting experiences throughout my second conscious years. It was between 16-18. At this period I meet different kinds of people - it opened my eyes that things aren't black and white. It's even more colorful and you just can't distinguish what is bad or good for everyone. At this period I began to realize that things shouldn't be made black and white because there are so many different needs for so many kinds of people. However we are all controlled by the norms and values that will keep us on track. So the diversity is still under control. But I believe that those control were needed - we were vulnerable human being at those years, we might be so sure of what we do but actually we are as blinded as we could possibly be. I learned some theories about control - it is done to make the society to be in the right track. But going back to the right and wrong thing..
During that period, I too have no idea which is right or wrong, but precisely, it's more to the which ones are proper and not proper. I failed to go for Science class. I thought it wasn't at all proper to me because I plan to become a Doctor someday, and my parents knew it. All my brothers went to the Science class. I failed and cried crazily. I couldn't come to blame at that point, I was just really disappointed with myself, and how some of my closest human just didn't appreciate the struggles that I've done.
Then which one's proper? Because thinking to be a Doctor, then going to the Science class was the proper thing to do in my mind. Guess what? I really am grateful for whatever lessons that I have in my Social class during highschool. Even though some of my closest human humiliated me behind my back, but I really didn't get why would people focus on what's proper and what's not proper. In the end, the definition of these things really get into our minds. And in fact, everyone has a waaaay different definition about what's proper and what's not. And, who gets to determine those definitions?
Society. in my late second conscious years I began to learn how society was a crazy crowd. This crowd is crazy if we see it as a crazy crowd, wait.. The crowd looks crazy if we LOOK at it too much, pays too much attention to them, and listened too much. I didn't mean to write a rebellious article that we have to be free and do not listen to what people told you like those in the musical lyrics but seriously, this world is so big to even focus on what the society's been saying about you.
The society, they actually do nothing, but they automatically created a standard on how things should be. Or, how PEOPLE should be. I talked about norms and values that guides us to be human, right? But the society has a different definition when it comes to 'What kind of person should you be?'. Then it comes to my third conscious years, during my 20-22. This period was quite crazy ( I didn't want to tell that it's the craziest because I haven't reached other conscious years yet) but this is the period where I was almost losing all the confidence that I have.
This is the period when my ears are finally able to hear voices, even the unheard ones. Yes, comments and perceptions. I went to do some activities for almost half a year and it really made me question myself everyday "have I been good enough as a human?" I always feel far less qualified in doing many tasks, I was walking as a shadow under a very bright light which was considered to be the thing that everyone wants to see. The unheard voices then came out. Comparisons, when it came to the point where people finally compare you with someone, and how nobody was around to really tell you that you are worthy enough to walk as who you are.
I learned a lot during those periods. I almost went evil, and almost felt like I just want to disappear and watch the day ends. But then I learned that, some things are just placed there, and it's there to crush you, to get the diamonds inside you. You can either be crushed and produce diamonds, or nothing at all..
Even though I'm pretty sure I produced nothing that time...
..but as time goes by, I just understand that period when the comparisons come, it was the awful thing to feel, but it was actually a precious moment that nobody will ever get. I got compared! Awesome. Now I know how it feels to be compared, and now I learn what is the expectation of the society towards how a person should be. Then I kept this as my lesson. Like a journal in my head.
It always reminds me to be better and better and suddenly I got all the confidence I need. But then I learned about ego. Something that all of us never touch, see or smell. Something that we never know how big that thing is, until it falls onto your head and made you broke down like a little girl again.
Ego was a surprise. Ego was there to drive me crazy - or to make me remember my worth.
When it grows too big, it can block the ways to get to the solution - or even to communicate. It blocks all the sunshine in yourself because you just love to give rays to people while it actually burned them. I did that. And, I feel really great to know how everyone really hated my big ego. This is how it feels to be hated! Now I know. Now I know this part is bad, and all other things are pretty much fine. Losing confidence again? No prob! I got things all figured out..
..even though I have to crawl back again to the start.
But after all these things that I learned, all the periods that I've been through, one of the most precious thing is patience. I didn't have plenty of them, I didn't save so much on that. I am very impatient and I want immediate result. But when I look at what happened today and who I am in the mirror:
I can actually stand on my own feet. I actually don't really.. not really.. needing the helps from the closest human to get back to my confidence. I can handle the society - I can change my perspective by listening, instead of hearing the unheard voices and got mad. I can understand that things take time to reveal its meaning. And in the end, the purpose of those closest humans will then be revealed to you, when the time is right..
Whether it's meaningful or not, there must be a purpose of some events in our lives.
cheesy.
Oh how I love human and its influences..
Sincerely,
-C
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