"Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were scared of getting old
It made us restless"
Adele, Photograph.
And indeed getting old made us restless.
Years ago,
I found someone who could finally love me back. Why was I so obsessed with this? The feeling of being loved back by someone got me drunk in love. With that, I just went away with the feeling and all the terrible trembling nights, I just went on. I have all the praises on me - because he loved me, the best feeling! I need nobody since then, all the validation I need was from the person who loved me back.
The lover was my place to go when the house felt like hell to me. We found each other when we lost something at our home. Therefore we brought all the feelings and love was like the light to our problems. Let's just get drunk in love, was all that in our minds. We would love everything to just last forever.
We thought we could always learn from each other, and learn about new things together - thinking that we were always on the same page. Well none of us knew that we carried different backgrounds and raised differently, and had different ways to solve problems. What was self regulation? Why was it so painfully burning in my heart when he stopped praising my art?
We grew together - we navigate with our discomfort and our desires as partners. The desire to always be around, validated, loved back, and all the things we perhaps had wounds on. Yes, we carried our own wounds around in a relationship.
Imagine growing up with a lot of discomforts and lack of self-regulation together, we found many moments were worth arguing - and we couldn't control our thoughts, our extreme negative thoughts. I thought it was me, but hey both of us were carrying things we didn't know. The discomfort was all I know when he did not seem to love me back, praise me less, and not listen to me anymore. It was not just discomfort - it was a lot of feeling.
I never understand why people walk away from a relationship. It felt nice to me to have someone to talk to, to love me back, even though there were standards. Who cares, it was comfortable to have someone to hug you. Until then I realize I was walking with no soul, as I did not know that all the resentment I have, the inconsistency of love I've been receiving, and with my little knowledge of self-regulation, I went into a complete shutdown.
I was panicking and prayed, what have God taken away from me?
That love I used to feel, was gone?
I couldn't remember anything but I went on shutdown for a year, leaving no room for that person back. It takes roughly 7 years to process what really happened. My body went into a complete shutdown towards that person, because my body refused to get hurt. The complicated part was the definition that was familiar for my body to be defined as "being hurt" was completely different from what I understand now.
My body, my senses - protected me from being hurt. What really happened was I walked too long with the feeling of unworthiness in me. My body noticed that but I went on, I was drunk in love and I just wanted someone to love me back. I did not care whatever that person was doing to me, but I wanted to be loved back, it felt comfortable to me to have someone.
I craved for that because I was lonely for so long too. I live in a house with a lot of family members who cared just a little, and I couldn't connect with anybody from the family. That was when I realize why I cling to that relationship for too long - it was me who was lonely, until my body stopped me and as if it was saying:
"Enough of this, let's get into a real journey of your real worth."
Since then I did not turn wise or anything, I went to listen to myself very carefully. Growing up indeed made me restless because all things that I have learned needed to be unlearned. It takes 7 years to really put this out in this place. It takes years to come and look at my open wounds and care for them. It takes years to finally see my worth and set boundaries.
It takes courage to finally process this.
Many times when that day 7 years ago came across my mind, I immediately distract it with other things. Now I have the courage to process it and it finally came out. So if someone that I meant read this, well I guess it was just us growing up. I believe none of us meant to hurt each other. None of us would really understand what deep love was, and it was just our unmet childhood desires that turns to wounds, hoping that we could heal each other. I was thankful that I did not met anyone other than you, yes you.
Years ago, and today, I am still learning about myself, and trying to accept all parts of me. I do not rush to fix myself, but getting to know what causes many relationship to fail was like pebbles to navigate me to my way home, to really dig deeper on what I need to learn and unlearn.
"It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young"
-C, 5/2022
